By Laura Pilon @laurampilon
March 12, 2018
Yesterday was officially two years since saying my shahada (converting). Even though that day was the happiest and most free I have probably ever felt, what followed was not constant happiness — most reverts would probably agree that at times it was actually unwavering loneliness.
It took a while to mend the disconnect between “being Muslim” and actually feeling Muslim. You sort of live feeling like an imposter, technically part of a community but feeling permanently right on the edge of it, as someone who doesn’t naturally fit in or is constantly trying to prove that they do.
The strength and resilience that that loneliness built, however, I wouldn’t change for the world; when I finally felt that disconnect melt away, I started noticing the sheer amount of blessings that were around me and most days they seemed so infinite that I’d often catch myself just saying alhamdulilah over and over, because I knew, again, there would come times where that wouldn’t be the case. You need times where you feel completely alone in the world and with your thoughts to know Allah, and ultimately to realize that at the end of the day, there is none but Him, no comfort but His, no mercy but His, and really, no love but His.
We may study it day in, day out and fall in love with it as such, but it is when our hearts are the heaviest and we are vulnerable that we understand the comfort of the Qur’an. When that belief is strong, you can handle anything. When you’re able to fully realize that, the hardships and the pain of this world will truly be fleeting. What is to come, both in this life and the next, is worth absolutely everything, and our hearts will finally be at rest.
At times I shock myself that it’s only been two years. Alhamdulilah for the blessings that really were blessings, and the hardships that turned out to be the greatest blessings of all.
The word for ‘heart’ in Arabic, qalb, is named as such because it means something that is constantly changing and can be quickly turned upside down. Our hearts are the most sensitive and delicate parts of us; I can only pray that it remains in the hands of the One who created it, and remains soft, yet firm on his religion.