What Part Muslim You From Mate?

By Qudeer Arshad

My parents wanted me to have a strong Islamic upbringing, so they sent me to a Catholic school for 5 years …. “What part Muslim you from mate?” “You have two Christmas’s, don’t ya” asked the teachers.

I remember once the teacher asked me if my parents had an arranged marriage, to which I replied: “Of course it was arranged. My dad arranged to be at the mosque at 9am and so did my mum. They also arranged the after-party. Overall it was a well arranged marriage. Are your marriages unarranged?

My most asked question is always “Are you Indian or Muslim?”. Then you try to explain to the person in the most unpatronising way you can, that one is actually a country and one is actually a religion. God forbid you actually be an Indian Muslim! (cue X-files music)

Last but not least, you can’t forget the “You can have four wives can’t ya?” As I always reply: Yes you can but I have one wife with four personalities, so it’s all gravy in the navy.